A few months back I was issued one of the most random tickets to ever be handed out in the history of the world!
I got a ticket for sliding down the handrails in the subway station at Hollywood/Highland in Los Angeles. I ride the subway daily and I can't resist an empty handrail to slide down.
Ever since I was young only a few things never get old to me. Pretending to throw a dog a ball and they run everytime...never gets old. Riding shopping carts in the grocery store...never gets old...finding money in your pocket you didn't know was there...never gets old and of course sliding down handrails...never gets old to me!
On this unfortunate day when I slid down the rail 4 Metro Cops were standing at the base checking for people's tickets. In L.A. you are on the honor system. No turnstiles so if they catch you without valid fare...up to a $250 fine.(ouch)
Now when I ride I always have my headphone on to avoid silly questions. So when I thought i was safe as long as I had valid fare there would be nothing to worry about. I was wrong. As I walked past the Metro Officers and waved my ticket in the air one of the cops said"hey buddy you can't slide down the handrails" and i get kept going cause i was enjoying the song"Skin Tight" by The Ohio Players in my shuffle.
When he repeated the saying i turned around to find out who was yelling at me at this point. When I stopped he said it again"hey buddy you can't slide down the handrails in the subway". Unfortunately I was standing right next to the sign that says what you can and cannot do in the subway station. So I make a small misstep and think it would be funny to point at the sign and say "you should put that on the sign". not the right thing to say in that situation. the next thing I hear is "up against the wall"
i was issued a ticket for violating a city civil code. I was totally unaware that opening my ope would land me date in court.
I had to go to one of the most intimidating buildings in L.A. The Courthouse downtown on Hill St.
I decide to get there early cause i I didn't want this to take all day. There was only one guy in line in front of me. he looked really upset. Ends up he was there for domestic abuse charges. he beat up his wife,kids and mother in law. His story made it seem like the mother-in-law really deserved it.
When we got inside the courthouse the standard paperwork was given out and then they rolled in the old school AV unit from high school with the TV/VCR combo. In the video which was made in the early 90's featured an awesome cameo. Judge Lance Ito!
When the first guy stood in front of the judge he look nervous. The judge gave him a quick look up-n-down and then got to it. "Says here you had another incident" he says sternly"can you tell me what happened with your mother-in-law?"
"Well your honor she hit me wit da schmoove" The courtroom goes silent in confusion and the court reporter has an awkward look on her face as she slowly raises her hands away from her stenography. the judge kindly asks"could you repeat that?"
"She hit me wit da schmoove"he says exactly the same as he did before.
The judge is still confused and in my current position on deck I have no idea what's going on.
The judge says with authority "I don't know what the schmoove is".
This time the defendant puts his right hand about chest level and start moving it side to side and says "she hit me wit da schmoove, you know the thing you schmoove da clothes wit?".
the judge finally realizes..."oh you mean the iron?".
The courtroom tries their best to remain silent to no avail. The judge smirks with surprise and quickly releases the guy and tells him to just keep attending his anger management classes and checking in with his parole officer.
he then gets to the biggest criminal in the room,me.
he lifts the ticket off the desk and snickers ti himself and glances over to his assistant. 'I've never seen this before" he says very sarcastically. "well Mr. Flatley what did we learn from this?'
I respectfully reply "I guess i shouldn't be sliding down handrails in the subway stations". He the proceeds. It say here you're 31 years old, are you aware of that?".
"yes your honor I am".
"Well I'm not throw this ticket out this time, but if I catch you in here I'm gonna have to fine you" he pauses "and then I'm gonna have to hit you wit da schmoove".
I couldn't hold it in...I laughed my ass of in the court room along with anyone who was paying attention to the comedy gold that just came out of the mouth of a judge with 25 years service under his belt!
"thank you your honor".
No comments:
Post a Comment