I guess no Universal Health Care is Working

I went to my local grocery store with my reusable bag and rode my skateboard so I kept my carbon footprint to a minimal. But I had a strange run in with a homeless guy who has been n my neighborhood for a long time. This guy had been bothering the tax payers and people who work hard for a living for at least 4 consecutive years.

I was sent into shock when he asked me for some change. I pressed pause on my i-pod and said sorry man. when he realized that I recognized him he smiled. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected the shiny new braces on his teeth.

I then asked him "how in the world did u get braces? " he said a dentist needed practice and gave him a free session.

Then I looked down on his feet were a brand new pair of NIKE JORDANS!

"Dude you have better shoes than I do!" he just grinned and started to walk away...

The final straw was when his cell phone went off in his pocket...

He had the nerve to turn away and say 'Sorry I gotta take this"

WTF is going on in this country?

props to the dentist for being a good soul but seriously...what the hell is going on?

So I went to the .99 store and bought a cup and posterboard and found a good freeway on ramp!

look for me in action...I have cavities people!

2009-2010 Kings Ice Crew Auditions!

Last Season I had a chance to work for this great organization! I will  be returning!

The Los Angeles Kings are holding auditions for the 2009-2010 Kings Ice Crew this July. If you are fun, enthusiastic, outgoing, physically fit, and ready to represent the Kings both on and off the ice in one of the premier sports and entertainment capitals of the world, we want to meet you! Log onto: www.lakings.com/icecrew for more info... 

The Kings Ice Crew represents the Los Angeles Kings organization at games, events and throughout the community. They are primarily responsible for making sure our fans have the best experience possible. At games, the team assists with on-ice contests and activities during intermissions, in-arena activities (t-shirt launch, ticket upgrades, trivia contests, etc.), and some of thegroup is also responsible for skating on the ice to remove build-up during media timeouts. The team also represents the LA Kings organization at various events and appearances throughout the community, such as: charity functions, fan development events, promotional events, etc. 

For full audition details, information, and to RSVP, please visit: www.lakings.com/icecrew 

or email bboyars@lakings.com and tell her JAY FLATS Sent you!

"Hit Me wit Da Schmoove" Court Room Antics with jay Flats

A few months back I was issued one of the most random tickets to ever be handed out in the history of the world!

I got a ticket for sliding down the handrails in the subway station at Hollywood/Highland in Los Angeles. I ride the subway daily and I can't resist an empty handrail to slide down. 

Ever since I was young only a few things never get old to me. Pretending to throw a dog a ball and they run everytime...never gets old. Riding shopping carts in the grocery store...never gets old...finding money in your pocket you didn't know was there...never gets old and of course sliding down handrails...never gets old to me! 

On this unfortunate day when I slid down the rail 4 Metro Cops were standing at the base checking for people's tickets. In L.A. you are on the honor system. No turnstiles so if they catch you without valid fare...up to a $250 fine.(ouch)

Now when I ride I always have my headphone on to avoid silly questions. So when I thought i was safe as long as I had valid fare there would be nothing to worry about. I was wrong. As I walked past the Metro Officers and waved my ticket in the air one of the cops said"hey buddy you can't slide down the handrails" and i get kept going cause i was enjoying the song"Skin Tight" by The Ohio Players in my shuffle.

When he repeated the saying i turned around to find out who was yelling at me at this point. When I stopped he said it again"hey buddy you can't slide down the handrails in the subway".  Unfortunately I was standing right next to the sign that says what you can and cannot do in the subway station. So I make a small misstep and think it would be funny to point at the sign and say "you should put that on the sign". not the right thing to say in that situation. the next thing I hear is "up against the wall"

i was issued a ticket for violating a city civil code. I was totally unaware that opening my ope would land me date in court.

I had to go to one of the most intimidating buildings in L.A. The Courthouse downtown on Hill St. 

I decide to get there early cause i I didn't want this to take all day. There was only one guy in line in front of me. he looked really upset. Ends up he was there for domestic abuse charges. he beat up his wife,kids and mother in law. His story made it seem like the mother-in-law really deserved it.

When we got inside the courthouse the standard paperwork was given out and then they rolled in the old school AV unit from high school with the TV/VCR combo. In the video which was made in the early 90's featured an awesome cameo. Judge Lance Ito!

When the first guy stood in front of the judge he look nervous. The judge gave him a quick look up-n-down and then got to it. "Says here you had another incident" he says sternly"can you tell me what happened with your mother-in-law?"

"Well your honor she hit me wit da schmoove" The courtroom goes silent in confusion and the court reporter has an awkward look on her face as she slowly raises her hands away from her stenography. the judge kindly asks"could you repeat that?" 

"She hit me wit da schmoove"he says exactly the same as he did before.

The judge is still confused and in my current position on deck I have no idea what's going on.

The judge says with authority "I don't know what the schmoove is".

This time the defendant puts his right hand about chest level and start moving it side to side and says "she hit me wit da schmoove, you know the thing you schmoove da clothes wit?".

the judge finally realizes..."oh you mean the iron?".

The courtroom tries their best to remain silent to no avail. The judge smirks with surprise and quickly releases the guy and tells him to just keep attending his anger management classes and checking in with his parole officer.

he then gets to the biggest criminal in the room,me.

he lifts the ticket off the desk and snickers ti himself and glances over to his assistant. 'I've never seen this before" he says very sarcastically. "well Mr. Flatley what did we learn from this?'

I respectfully reply "I guess i shouldn't be sliding down handrails in the subway stations". He the proceeds. It say here you're 31 years old, are you aware of that?".

"yes your honor I am".

"Well I'm not throw this ticket out this time, but if I catch you in here I'm gonna have to fine you" he pauses "and then I'm gonna have to hit you wit da schmoove".

I couldn't hold it in...I laughed my ass of in the court room along with anyone who was paying attention to the comedy gold that just came out of the mouth of a judge with 25 years service under his belt!

"thank you your honor".

Examiner.com Review!

 Jay Flats was tapped to host the affair by Rebels of Comedy. Jay is steadily becoming a go to guy for the Rebels' camp. Jay opened the night with some of his reliable material, but it was his energy that I was most impressed by. If nothing else a host should command energy and excitement from the crowd. A good host is a comics best friend. -Brian Monaghan (Examiner.com)

Little Old Lady on the 217

Sunny day, Los Angeles.

 While riding along Fairfax I am sitting in between two old people on the 217 bus. Near the front of the bus the seats are reserved for handicapped and the elderly. Most people abide by these rules and head to the back of the bus in order to give their seat to someone who really needs it. On this day as we reach the corner of fairfax and Beverly near CBS Television City several elderly folk attempt to board the bus. I give up my comfy seats between two older gentlemen for a sweet old  grandmother.

 I stand and hold the rope like contraption hanging from the horizontal bar above my head. I see that the seats reserved are already full of people as this little old lady from Pasadena (not sure where she was really from but you know the song) boards and only has enough room to stand right up front and hold the vertical pole near the driver. I can see from a distance she has several .99 cent store bags taking her attention away from the actual ride she is on. Then suddenly.................someone cuts off the bus and the driver is forced to slam on the breaks and come to a screeching stop! the little old lady from Pasadena quickly loses her grip and goes flying forward towards the coin machine next to the driver. The force is so great with this one she actually leaves her feet and crashes like a WWF (I'm old School) wrestler into the turnbuckle. 

The gasp for air overcomes the front of the bus as we are all subjected to viewing this scene without time to react. When the bus stops and everyone gathers themselves i leap forward to help this little old lady up. I was scared she was hurt severely. As I raise her to her feet she pulls her hair out of her face and looks me in the eye. I swear she says"Is this my stop?"

I almost shit my pants...